Tips for putting together an all-star team

Most teams add in new players each season - obviously it is important that your players represent well on-field. But it is of equal importance that they carry your team name well off the field. Before committing a new member to your team, you may want to consider the following:

1. Are they able to down a pitcher (of beer, not thrower of balls) on command?
2. Are they able to flip a cup on the first flip with a less than 5% failure rate?
3. Are they able to sink a ping-pong ball into a red cup repetitively, while drinking?
4. Are they willing/able to hook up with members of other teams for the sole purpose of distracting said player with sidelong glances?
5. Are they willing to be an absolute jerk to all parties involved in hopes of changing the referees mind during a questionable (every) call? NOTE: It is of the utmost importance that you only have ONE of these players on your team at any given time. If you are at risk of having two players fulfilling the jerk role in any given season, you must hold a pissing contest.
6. Are they hot? (yes, hot! we all need a little eye candy)
7. Do they regularly show up with cases of beer to share or voluntarily buy pitchers at the bar?
8. Do they have any actual skill playing kickball? (on second thought, this one really isn't necessary).
   

If your new prospect does not fulfill any of these essential roles, then you may want to reconsider adding them to your team.